Tuesday Rant

the people who pipe up and pipe down deserve more love frm all humankind. then the ones who want to be heard but ignore to listen, they need to stop revolving and start migrating to the amazon. go live with monkeys, they'll listen to your self 'narcisshit' and so called smart arse. please. get over your-full-self. and knock off the bloody high horse, will you?

THE MOMENT WHEN I FELT I TRULY LIVED

past july, i got a good job somewhere far from home and live alone in a rented room, it's a double storey house to be exact and i live at the second floor. my uncle lives there too but am alone upstairs. so i traveled around sabah, went to Ranau a lot. the furthest place was when we needed to go to Lahad Datu for a 3-month course but it was a total failure so we're forced to come back Keningau after 5 days staying alone in a bungalow, there was only both of us, me and a colleague. left alone without proper kitchen supplies and food. however, we managed to survive ourselves since we got mates there who helped a lot. quite an adventure to say the least. i gained a lot of experience, knowledge and skills. i made myself some new friends of different ages. most of them are older. am very thankful and enjoy the moments that i felt i truly lived. it was like a healer for me and am feeling surprisingly better than before. after 2 months staying there, i was told that my uncle had to move in with me cause of some work needed to be done downstairs, another uncle of mine wanted to make it an office for his new business, carwash. i don't really feel comfortable because am worried that they might not like it since i always have problem with my pay rent but all sorted out tho. i cook sometimes and help with the chores. back to my job there, little did i know that it was only for a short period of time. something happened outta the blue ad forced me to go back home, familys house. i don't know what to do, going back home feels like going back to the root of hell i was in before. scary cause now am repeating everything i did back then but i don't feel depressed or anything as not wanting to live but sometimes i catch myself wallowing in negative thoughts. i promised myself not to feel the same way again but lately a lot of things scare me. will there be relapse? i thought the job wud help me with my future plan. now i only wish they wud call me back.

My FAVORITE SONG

Angel Olsen - Lonely Universe
Jenny Hval & Susanna ‘O Sun O Medusa // A Mirror In My Mouth
True Romance - Citizens!
Beach House - Gila / Used to Be / Heart of Chambers
Paper Kite - Bloom
Blonde Redhead - Bipolar / Elephant Woman / Melody / Magic Mountain
The Head and the Heart - Heaven Go Easy on Me
Patron Saint of Bridges Burn - Hey Edwards
Joel Faviere - It Gets Better / If you knew
Soley - The sun is going down / pretty face
The Rigs - Devil's playground
Loving Annabelle - Broken
Crywank - Song for Guilty Sadist
Lilly Wood & The Prick and Robin Schulz - Prayer in C
Lykke Li - I Follow River
Aimee Mann - Today's the Day
Papermaps - Wishful Thinker
The Shivers - Beauty
Petit Biscuit - Sunset Lover / Once Again
Daughter - Run / Youth
Jefferson Airplane - White Rabbit
Radiohead - albums
One Republic - albums
The Neighborhood - albums
Coldplay - albums
Twenty One Pilot - albums
Alvvays - Adult Diversion
Somic Youth - Bull in the Heather
Soko - albums
Kodaline - albums
Iron Maiden - remember tomorrow 
Lauren - All i have to do is dream
Crywank - Hikikomori
Cigarette - Daydreams 
All Time Low - therapy
Strange - Tokyo City
Sara Bareilles - She Used to be Mine 
The lumineers - ophelia
Ingrid Michaelson ft A Great Big World - Over You

Note to my fellow sisters

little me, you're so naive. what do you know about true love when you haven't yet gone thru long dark tunnel but a mere bumpy ride at your age? people say you would never know until you experience it, but i say you can learn from the people before you. 

you're a precious gift God had sent to our parents. they trust us to be sensible, as they trust us to choose friends who are sensible too. but with those feelings, we sometimes won't be able to make wise decisions. but would you give yourself away just for temporary pleasure and then create a permanent mistake you cannot undo? the world is deceitful. so are the people. 

putting trust in human too much is just like putting rope around your neck. it gets tighter every time you open up and what do you expect? it chokes you eventually. put your faith in Allah and every time you open up, it's just like pulling yourself closer to Him. trust me, i swear you'll feel the love you crave. if you haven't it's fine but please hold on to your faith, please never let go of what has been planted inside you. so tell me, would you rather drown yourself in a world full of lies or blossom in His garden full of love? 

you're at the emblem of high curiosity and new discoveries. loving the thrill of adrenaline rush and addicted. stuck between the reverie of chasing dreams and worthless effort trying to fit in. but tell me, would you rather be a product of snarky crowds and pitiful lesson of over crumbled youth or a new form of hope in murky and dreary generation? either you take my words or keep drowning in a sea of your fake worldly pleasure.

- Q 

Do I ever want a real RELATIONSHIP?

I thought all I wanted was being in a relationship like any normal people but I've realized a few things. First, I'm just lonely and bored. Second, I need someone to talk to, are there any girls who want to be on the phone with another girl anyway? I don't think so. And one thing, are there also any guys who want to have a chat as friends and keep it that way? Nope. Third, I think I'm just insisting myself to have a normal life like any teenagers out there, but couple thingy don't apply to me, and really, I can't relate to anything about relationships. I know I don't want a partner, just a friend to talk to. About anything. To keep up contact on the phone.

I did think about living a family life in the future, but I stopped thinking about it cause I don't feel like having other family beside my family right now. Guess I'm gonna live alone once I leave home. I've been plagued by depression all this while and I think it has affected my life to the point of unwilling to hold any responsibilities in the future. I don't think I can handle any further though. Myself, now I feel like tinted with past memories that forced me to change me. I can't wait to write another chapter of my life sooner, soon after I finish my diploma, well, if I ever had the chance to finish it...how the hell can I think about anything else other than that right? Not even a relationship? Unfortunately yes.

...Now I understand it. I only need company to stick by my side come rain and shine. However, it's difficult to get myself one, haven't been good at making friends. I feel funny because sometimes I feel like I need to pay someone to be my friend, who is willing to live with me and do whatever I say. Well that sounds abusive, but no! I'm gonna love that person forever and all he needs to do is love me back and take care of me. Hold me when depression takes over me and when anxiety cripples. That's it.