THE MOMENT WHEN I FELT I TRULY LIVED

past july, i got a good job somewhere far from home and live alone in a rented room, it's a double storey house to be exact and i live at the second floor. my uncle lives there too but am alone upstairs. so i traveled around sabah, went to Ranau a lot. the furthest place was when we needed to go to Lahad Datu for a 3-month course but it was a total failure so we're forced to come back Keningau after 5 days staying alone in a bungalow, there was only both of us, me and a colleague. left alone without proper kitchen supplies and food. however, we managed to survive ourselves since we got mates there who helped a lot. quite an adventure to say the least. i gained a lot of experience, knowledge and skills. i made myself some new friends of different ages. most of them are older. am very thankful and enjoy the moments that i felt i truly lived. it was like a healer for me and am feeling surprisingly better than before. after 2 months staying there, i was told that my uncle had to move in with me cause of some work needed to be done downstairs, another uncle of mine wanted to make it an office for his new business, carwash. i don't really feel comfortable because am worried that they might not like it since i always have problem with my pay rent but all sorted out tho. i cook sometimes and help with the chores. back to my job there, little did i know that it was only for a short period of time. something happened outta the blue ad forced me to go back home, familys house. i don't know what to do, going back home feels like going back to the root of hell i was in before. scary cause now am repeating everything i did back then but i don't feel depressed or anything as not wanting to live but sometimes i catch myself wallowing in negative thoughts. i promised myself not to feel the same way again but lately a lot of things scare me. will there be relapse? i thought the job wud help me with my future plan. now i only wish they wud call me back.

My FAVORITE SONG

Angel Olsen - Lonely Universe
Jenny Hval & Susanna ‘O Sun O Medusa // A Mirror In My Mouth
True Romance - Citizens!
Beach House - Gila / Used to Be / Heart of Chambers
Paper Kite - Bloom
Blonde Redhead - Bipolar / Elephant Woman / Melody / Magic Mountain
The Head and the Heart - Heaven Go Easy on Me
Patron Saint of Bridges Burn - Hey Edwards
Joel Faviere - It Gets Better / If you knew
Soley - The sun is going down / pretty face
The Rigs - Devil's playground
Loving Annabelle - Broken
Crywank - Song for Guilty Sadist
Lilly Wood & The Prick and Robin Schulz - Prayer in C
Lykke Li - I Follow River
Aimee Mann - Today's the Day
Papermaps - Wishful Thinker
The Shivers - Beauty
Petit Biscuit - Sunset Lover / Once Again
Daughter - Run / Youth
Jefferson Airplane - White Rabbit
Radiohead - albums
One Republic - albums
The Neighborhood - albums
Coldplay - albums
Twenty One Pilot - albums
Alvvays - Adult Diversion
Somic Youth - Bull in the Heather
Soko - albums
Kodaline - albums
Iron Maiden - remember tomorrow 
Lauren - All i have to do is dream
Crywank - Hikikomori
Cigarette - Daydreams 
All Time Low - therapy
Strange - Tokyo City
Sara Bareilles - She Used to be Mine 
The lumineers - ophelia
Ingrid Michaelson ft A Great Big World - Over You