It's hard to find someone who truly understands your struggle. They said if it's about love just tell us. I give zero care about love. Screw that. It's life.
"The funny thing is that I can't let others feel the way I do although sometimes I want them to understand what I'm going thru. Trust me one thing is that everything I tell them, I mean it. I really do. I mean it."
"I fucking fail at everything. I passed my SPM last year with 4A's B+'s and 2D's. Yet I couldn't get myself to any state universities. My family believes that I'm so smart, my whole life they have called me gifted and that I can do anything, well I can't! All I do now is set unrealistic goals like going to college. I have thrown away every chance given to me and now I can't even go to the shop without needing to get the hell out instantly I leave the house less than twice a month because what's the point? I lie in bed all day I'm going to die from a blood clot any day now."
"Can't break free"
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Things started to turn upside down when I came to this school. I wasn't supposed to be here actually but I needed to cause I had no other options. I could just quit whenever I want since form 6 isn't obligatory but I don't know what else to do if I quit. I need to stay in other to qualify myself for college. No one really knows me here except a few friends from old school and my brother. I haven't talked to my bro for almost 4 yrs. We get used to it. So, it almost doesn't feel like we've known each other so we act like strangers at school. I had one best friend who betrayed me, she promised not to leave, but she did, without letting me know but then I found out she already far from here. I begged her to come back and have a talk with me but to no avail. Actually I couldn't believe her cause some of my classmates said that she's still here, but I couldn't care less anymore.
Then, I had issue with a clique in school. I've become their target just because I tried to stick up for a friend. The girl has been bullied mentally for yrs and it went on in this new school. People spread hatred and I tried to help. I could see that some of them have been brainwashed. She didn't go to school for months and finally quit school. Well, she did the right thing cause form 6 isn't for her. Form 6 is just for a bunch of losers who can't make it to any higher school.
I was so alone and hurt. I gave up social media to avoid being mocked by them. The worst thing was that it has affected my mental health, it's not like I didn't have it before. It's just getting worse. I was depressed and refused to attend school. I also locked myself in my room for almost a week, I didn't take a shower and I hurt myself too. My only thought was suicide, so I tried to overdose myself but I survived. It's a sin tho so I hoped to die everyday. I couldn't even wake up but stay in bed like a rotten living human.
Next day, I got a call from school. I was sent to the office. I needed to tell the truth. So my teacher sent me to the counselling. I've been under counselling session which was held for me once a week. I skipped a few sessions. It did help. However, my attendance still hasn't changed. I still skipped school and I hated it.
I wasn't like this before. I was so different in my old school. I had good academic reputation, good rapport with teachers and liked by peers. I was also voted as the best student of the month once. I represented school for many activities as debate and public speaking. I was picked to organize a sport day as well and as facilitator for campings. Where did I go wrong? Why did world turn upside down for me? I know I have personality issue and anxiety but I'm lucky because I'm strong enough to control it. My teacher from my old school once said to me that I'm good at influencing others and I'm very convincing. I was so good at hiding real emotions. It's just getting worse.
People from old school know me as a person I was before, an introvert, quiet and a girl who doesn't know how to have fun. So they didn't really recognize anything except for I was getting lazier and poor academic achievement.
This went on for months and now all I do is keep myself alive and sane. The clique is now split up and only some of them left. The boy I have a crush on was already finished his diploma and I don't have to feel imprisoned anymore. Thank God! I have a small group of friends I'm still trying to call best mates. I don't know about recovering but things aren't like before.
But I want to tell you that I still reminded by my childhood and my past. I feel scared of what behind me and can't focus on my future. I'm more like just breathing but doing nothing about my life. My siblings thought I was crazy and my parents can't control me. If only I could tell them what's going on in the head of mine... I have intense mood swings and never socialize much, unlike them.
In short, I'm messed up and I just found out that my sister cousin received a psychiatric appointment which she hid since 6 months ago. I don't wanna tell you about us but her past affects me and I can't run since I know everything about her and it bugs me, but you don't give on people you love, right? So I won't.
If you knew the broken mess of a person I've become...
Continued..
I wonder how they could live peacefully and not feel guilty for what they've caused to someone's future. Another wasted year for one of the strongest persons I've ever known.
