THE MOMENT WHEN I FELT I TRULY LIVED
past july, i got a good job somewhere far from home and live alone in a rented room, it's a double storey house to be exact and i live at the second floor. my uncle lives there too but am alone upstairs. so i traveled around sabah, went to Ranau a lot. the furthest place was when we needed to go to Lahad Datu for a 3-month course but it was a total failure so we're forced to come back Keningau after 5 days staying alone in a bungalow, there was only both of us, me and a colleague. left alone without proper kitchen supplies and food. however, we managed to survive ourselves since we got mates there who helped a lot. quite an adventure to say the least. i gained a lot of experience, knowledge and skills. i made myself some new friends of different ages. most of them are older. am very thankful and enjoy the moments that i felt i truly lived. it was like a healer for me and am feeling surprisingly better than before. after 2 months staying there, i was told that my uncle had to move in with me cause of some work needed to be done downstairs, another uncle of mine wanted to make it an office for his new business, carwash. i don't really feel comfortable because am worried that they might not like it since i always have problem with my pay rent but all sorted out tho. i cook sometimes and help with the chores. back to my job there, little did i know that it was only for a short period of time. something happened outta the blue ad forced me to go back home, familys house. i don't know what to do, going back home feels like going back to the root of hell i was in before. scary cause now am repeating everything i did back then but i don't feel depressed or anything as not wanting to live but sometimes i catch myself wallowing in negative thoughts. i promised myself not to feel the same way again but lately a lot of things scare me. will there be relapse? i thought the job wud help me with my future plan. now i only wish they wud call me back.
My FAVORITE SONG
Angel Olsen - Lonely Universe
Jenny Hval & Susanna ‘O Sun O Medusa // A Mirror In My Mouth
True Romance - Citizens!
Beach House - Gila / Used to Be / Heart of Chambers
Paper Kite - Bloom
Blonde Redhead - Bipolar / Elephant Woman / Melody / Magic Mountain
The Head and the Heart - Heaven Go Easy on Me
Patron Saint of Bridges Burn - Hey Edwards
Joel Faviere - It Gets Better / If you knew
Soley - The sun is going down / pretty face
The Rigs - Devil's playground
Loving Annabelle - Broken
Crywank - Song for Guilty Sadist
Lilly Wood & The Prick and Robin Schulz - Prayer in C
Lykke Li - I Follow River
Aimee Mann - Today's the Day
Papermaps - Wishful Thinker
The Shivers - Beauty
Petit Biscuit - Sunset Lover / Once Again
Daughter - Run / Youth
Jefferson Airplane - White Rabbit
Radiohead - albums
One Republic - albums
The Neighborhood - albums
Coldplay - albums
Twenty One Pilot - albums
Alvvays - Adult Diversion
Somic Youth - Bull in the Heather
Soko - albums
Kodaline - albums
Iron Maiden - remember tomorrow
Lauren - All i have to do is dream
Crywank - Hikikomori
Cigarette - Daydreams
All Time Low - therapy
Strange - Tokyo City
Sara Bareilles - She Used to be Mine
The lumineers - ophelia
Ingrid Michaelson ft A Great Big World - Over You
Jenny Hval & Susanna ‘O Sun O Medusa // A Mirror In My Mouth
True Romance - Citizens!
Beach House - Gila / Used to Be / Heart of Chambers
Paper Kite - Bloom
Blonde Redhead - Bipolar / Elephant Woman / Melody / Magic Mountain
The Head and the Heart - Heaven Go Easy on Me
Patron Saint of Bridges Burn - Hey Edwards
Joel Faviere - It Gets Better / If you knew
Soley - The sun is going down / pretty face
The Rigs - Devil's playground
Loving Annabelle - Broken
Crywank - Song for Guilty Sadist
Lilly Wood & The Prick and Robin Schulz - Prayer in C
Lykke Li - I Follow River
Aimee Mann - Today's the Day
Papermaps - Wishful Thinker
The Shivers - Beauty
Petit Biscuit - Sunset Lover / Once Again
Daughter - Run / Youth
Jefferson Airplane - White Rabbit
Radiohead - albums
One Republic - albums
The Neighborhood - albums
Coldplay - albums
Twenty One Pilot - albums
Alvvays - Adult Diversion
Somic Youth - Bull in the Heather
Soko - albums
Kodaline - albums
Iron Maiden - remember tomorrow
Lauren - All i have to do is dream
Crywank - Hikikomori
Cigarette - Daydreams
All Time Low - therapy
Strange - Tokyo City
Sara Bareilles - She Used to be Mine
The lumineers - ophelia
Ingrid Michaelson ft A Great Big World - Over You
Note to my fellow sisters
little me, you're so naive. what do you know about true love when you haven't yet gone thru long dark tunnel but a mere bumpy ride at your age? people say you would never know until you experience it, but i say you can learn from the people before you.
you're a precious gift God had sent to our parents. they trust us to be sensible, as they trust us to choose friends who are sensible too. but with those feelings, we sometimes won't be able to make wise decisions. but would you give yourself away just for temporary pleasure and then create a permanent mistake you cannot undo? the world is deceitful. so are the people.
putting trust in human too much is just like putting rope around your neck. it gets tighter every time you open up and what do you expect? it chokes you eventually. put your faith in Allah and every time you open up, it's just like pulling yourself closer to Him. trust me, i swear you'll feel the love you crave. if you haven't it's fine but please hold on to your faith, please never let go of what has been planted inside you. so tell me, would you rather drown yourself in a world full of lies or blossom in His garden full of love?
you're at the emblem of high curiosity and new discoveries. loving the thrill of adrenaline rush and addicted. stuck between the reverie of chasing dreams and worthless effort trying to fit in. but tell me, would you rather be a product of snarky crowds and pitiful lesson of over crumbled youth or a new form of hope in murky and dreary generation? either you take my words or keep drowning in a sea of your fake worldly pleasure.
- Q
you're a precious gift God had sent to our parents. they trust us to be sensible, as they trust us to choose friends who are sensible too. but with those feelings, we sometimes won't be able to make wise decisions. but would you give yourself away just for temporary pleasure and then create a permanent mistake you cannot undo? the world is deceitful. so are the people.
putting trust in human too much is just like putting rope around your neck. it gets tighter every time you open up and what do you expect? it chokes you eventually. put your faith in Allah and every time you open up, it's just like pulling yourself closer to Him. trust me, i swear you'll feel the love you crave. if you haven't it's fine but please hold on to your faith, please never let go of what has been planted inside you. so tell me, would you rather drown yourself in a world full of lies or blossom in His garden full of love?
you're at the emblem of high curiosity and new discoveries. loving the thrill of adrenaline rush and addicted. stuck between the reverie of chasing dreams and worthless effort trying to fit in. but tell me, would you rather be a product of snarky crowds and pitiful lesson of over crumbled youth or a new form of hope in murky and dreary generation? either you take my words or keep drowning in a sea of your fake worldly pleasure.
- Q
Do I ever want a real RELATIONSHIP?
I thought all I wanted was being in a relationship like any normal people but I've realized a few things. First, I'm just lonely and bored. Second, I need someone to talk to, are there any girls who want to be on the phone with another girl anyway? I don't think so. And one thing, are there also any guys who want to have a chat as friends and keep it that way? Nope. Third, I think I'm just insisting myself to have a normal life like any teenagers out there, but couple thingy don't apply to me, and really, I can't relate to anything about relationships. I know I don't want a partner, just a friend to talk to. About anything. To keep up contact on the phone.
I did think about living a family life in the future, but I stopped thinking about it cause I don't feel like having other family beside my family right now. Guess I'm gonna live alone once I leave home. I've been plagued by depression all this while and I think it has affected my life to the point of unwilling to hold any responsibilities in the future. I don't think I can handle any further though. Myself, now I feel like tinted with past memories that forced me to change me. I can't wait to write another chapter of my life sooner, soon after I finish my diploma, well, if I ever had the chance to finish it...how the hell can I think about anything else other than that right? Not even a relationship? Unfortunately yes.
...Now I understand it. I only need company to stick by my side come rain and shine. However, it's difficult to get myself one, haven't been good at making friends. I feel funny because sometimes I feel like I need to pay someone to be my friend, who is willing to live with me and do whatever I say. Well that sounds abusive, but no! I'm gonna love that person forever and all he needs to do is love me back and take care of me. Hold me when depression takes over me and when anxiety cripples. That's it.
I did think about living a family life in the future, but I stopped thinking about it cause I don't feel like having other family beside my family right now. Guess I'm gonna live alone once I leave home. I've been plagued by depression all this while and I think it has affected my life to the point of unwilling to hold any responsibilities in the future. I don't think I can handle any further though. Myself, now I feel like tinted with past memories that forced me to change me. I can't wait to write another chapter of my life sooner, soon after I finish my diploma, well, if I ever had the chance to finish it...how the hell can I think about anything else other than that right? Not even a relationship? Unfortunately yes.
...Now I understand it. I only need company to stick by my side come rain and shine. However, it's difficult to get myself one, haven't been good at making friends. I feel funny because sometimes I feel like I need to pay someone to be my friend, who is willing to live with me and do whatever I say. Well that sounds abusive, but no! I'm gonna love that person forever and all he needs to do is love me back and take care of me. Hold me when depression takes over me and when anxiety cripples. That's it.
April 2016
I feel trapped in here. I can't live independently. I don't know what to do, where to go. I become uninterested in life. It doesn't matter how hard I think about things, I'll end up not doing anything at all, much worse, wrong decision or probably it's just me who can't handle things. I was a strong minded person before. Motivated and ambitious, just like everyone. I was able to be positive enough but it doesn't feel like it now. I'm afraid to go out, the crowd scares me. What is wrong with me? I don't want to live like this. My behavior scares me lately, all I can think about is how pathetic I am and how messed my mind is. I thought I could get away from bad thoughts. I can't stop thinking about time. It's getting too late. I haven't done anything productive or achieved anything. I can't sleep well. I had the same dream over and over. Everyone here perceives me as someone independent and alert. I receive this from family, ex high school teachers, teachers and friends from recent school, relatives and ex classmates. I can't do anything out of their expectations. It's burdensome and I can't handle embarrassment. I thought I was too good to seek help. Or I was just scared of their judgement. I'm just too tired to tell people how I feel. I think I'm ridiculous too. Too emotional,whiny and all I know is just complaining..I dislike that actually. Not professional. Low mentality. Weakling. I would probably say that if I weren't me or at least have never been in this mental state. I want help. I want my old self. I want to have future and importantly feel alive again. I can't do this alone. I don't have the courage to tell people how I feel, I speak less nowadays... They wouldn't give a shit tho. They're just curious. I know it. I care about myself. I'm typical like everyone too. I don't belong too depression or instability. I want to escape so bad that everyday I feel like my heart is going to burst. I sometimes feel like God has forgotten about me. Why do I need to go through this while others don't? Everything seems to work out for them. Why it has to be me? God gives the hardest battle to his strongest soldiers. I am not strong.
March 2016
First semester results are already out and surprisingly I got good result than what I thought of. I beat everyone in literature and I got high grade for visual art. I mean I didn't even do it right. I studied like 3 hrs before the test. I didn't even attend class and I escaped extra class a few times. I was bewildered by how such thing could actually happen. Never really crossed my mind that I actually did better. I keep it from my parents, no reason for them to know. I mean, what would they say? They'll probably hurt more and that's like stabbing my own chest hundred times.One of my ex classmates congratulated me for it. I was like "Why the fuck did you say that to me, it's either you're trying to tease me or sincerely compliment me". Either way, I still hate it. When your mind is miserable, the only thing I can see is negativity since nothing positive really happened lately. It's baffling.
And now I'm at home, chilling in bed pretty much all day, watching reality shits to keep me entertain, deactivated social media and being a slob, sleep inadequacy, cold shoulder and feeling trapped. Stuck between inconceivable depths of a dark and dreary hell. I haven't been out for months, probably twice or at least three times in 5 months. Feeling accomplish for small things I do like going out of home to settle my bank account that only got like 50$ in it, which isn't mine but the owner of this house. The fuck do I need an account, I do nothing but laying in bed, scrolling through Instagram just to make myself feeling like an absolute trash looking at others living their happy lives while I'm here like a piece of shit. That's just sad. I can't even stare at myself in the mirror for a minute. I'm such a waste of space.
They say I'm a loser, useless and lazy. Say I give up too easily. I guess that's partially true. I let the depression consumes me. I don't think I make any different staying home too. I'm just becoming more solitude and that's not so healthy. I'm also getting older. I look like a 30 yr old unmarried grumpy lady. Cocooned in this constant swing shift split equally between breaking down and soul sucking depression. I guess that's pretty fucked up.
I admit that I don't think it's a good idea to do so. I should've thought deeper before making up any decisions. I thought doing so would make me happier and everything would be a whole lot lighter. Well, it did. For a good short time. I can't stop asking myself why the fuck the did I do that. Why doing something that makes you feel like you don't belong to this place? I guess the only reason I feel this way is because I can't think of anything other than being in 'there'. I've got plans but I can't channel it anywhere. I don't have money to start, nobody would help me. I know there's no one to blame and I don't want to show how remorseful I am about the decision. I'm trying to shrug that feeling off by looking at the brighter side every time I can..hopefully.
The first paragraph should be at the end but I don't want to end it bitterly. I want a happy ending.
And now I'm at home, chilling in bed pretty much all day, watching reality shits to keep me entertain, deactivated social media and being a slob, sleep inadequacy, cold shoulder and feeling trapped. Stuck between inconceivable depths of a dark and dreary hell. I haven't been out for months, probably twice or at least three times in 5 months. Feeling accomplish for small things I do like going out of home to settle my bank account that only got like 50$ in it, which isn't mine but the owner of this house. The fuck do I need an account, I do nothing but laying in bed, scrolling through Instagram just to make myself feeling like an absolute trash looking at others living their happy lives while I'm here like a piece of shit. That's just sad. I can't even stare at myself in the mirror for a minute. I'm such a waste of space.
They say I'm a loser, useless and lazy. Say I give up too easily. I guess that's partially true. I let the depression consumes me. I don't think I make any different staying home too. I'm just becoming more solitude and that's not so healthy. I'm also getting older. I look like a 30 yr old unmarried grumpy lady. Cocooned in this constant swing shift split equally between breaking down and soul sucking depression. I guess that's pretty fucked up.
I admit that I don't think it's a good idea to do so. I should've thought deeper before making up any decisions. I thought doing so would make me happier and everything would be a whole lot lighter. Well, it did. For a good short time. I can't stop asking myself why the fuck the did I do that. Why doing something that makes you feel like you don't belong to this place? I guess the only reason I feel this way is because I can't think of anything other than being in 'there'. I've got plans but I can't channel it anywhere. I don't have money to start, nobody would help me. I know there's no one to blame and I don't want to show how remorseful I am about the decision. I'm trying to shrug that feeling off by looking at the brighter side every time I can..hopefully.
The first paragraph should be at the end but I don't want to end it bitterly. I want a happy ending.
BeFriender KK and Solace Sabah
Ahhh. I thought befriender said that they'll keep our conversation confidential like if there's one volunteer talks to me so that means she/he will keep it only between us and will catch up again later, well I didn't expect that they even keep my message long time ago but I love the fact that they actually ask my progress from time to time although there's gonna be different volunteer each time. Frankly, I like this one volunteer but I don't know his/her name, I already asked, but no reply afterward. This person even brings the phone with her/him home, not like the first one I talked to. He seemed like he just wanted the conversation to end quickly and his respond wasn't all satisfying though. I'm glad I'm talking to the other volunteer now. I know they can't help me anything but to merely lend their ears.
Ahhh...How could I get it wrong. So I was looking for vacancies at Mudah.my and I stumbled upon this job as a caller at Solace Sabah. I felt curious what it actually was so I clicked the link directed to their page. I read into all of information and decided to email them my problem, thought they had something for me. I did receive a call shortly after that. I was asked whether my problem has got anything to do with addiction and I was like, "oh god, they cure addiction not my psychological problem", but still I felt a little comfortable when she, her name is Helena, was willing to listen to my problem, but really, I didn't feel comfortable to vent since I'm not an addict and after that she told me to go to an asylum in KK, said I'll get proper treatment on my, inner trouble. I took her advice but still don't consider to go..
Ahhh...How could I get it wrong. So I was looking for vacancies at Mudah.my and I stumbled upon this job as a caller at Solace Sabah. I felt curious what it actually was so I clicked the link directed to their page. I read into all of information and decided to email them my problem, thought they had something for me. I did receive a call shortly after that. I was asked whether my problem has got anything to do with addiction and I was like, "oh god, they cure addiction not my psychological problem", but still I felt a little comfortable when she, her name is Helena, was willing to listen to my problem, but really, I didn't feel comfortable to vent since I'm not an addict and after that she told me to go to an asylum in KK, said I'll get proper treatment on my, inner trouble. I took her advice but still don't consider to go..
tell me it's OK
What's happening now...
- I'm in form 6
- Live in my parents' house
- Childish
- Throw tantrum
- Depressed
- No money
- Escapist
- Quit form 6
- Stay home
- Start online business
- Help family doing chores so they don't have to
- Everyone to stop questioning my choice
- Stop being attached to past memories
- Start being mature
- Start a new life as homegirl
What I really feel...
- Delirious
- Depressed
- Lost
- Sick
- Unhappy
- Sad
- Worry
- Scared
What I really like to do...
- Singing
- Writing
- Watching movies, shows.
If I had the chance to change my life...
- Start college
- Live alone
- Produce films
- Start business
- Youtubing
- Work in social agencies
- Leave home
What's stopping me...
- Relatives
- Friends
- No money
- Past
- Future
- No money
- Past
- Future
- Teachers
- Governments
What I really hope...
- To know what's wrong with me
- People to tell me it's okay
- People to make me feel better
- Being happy
- People to tell me it's okay
- People to make me feel better
- Being happy
2016 LifeLine
04/01/16 - I almost passed out at the assembly, thank God I had this one friend who helped me. See mate? This is one of the reasons why we should have friends. Bukan saja utk menyusahkan ko, tapi tolong ko juak nanti. Yang menyusahkan tu aku, yg membantu tu dialah. K. Tu ja. I was sent to a room, I don't know what room that is, stor mungkin. Antahlah. Dengarnya ni sekolah mau buat sistem merit demerit. Haihh ni sekolah. So we are all 100% clean for the first day.
05/01/16 -
- Punya barat hati mau pi sekolah, kesian. 19 tahun tapi masih pi sekolah, gila punya kerja. Well, baruku faham yg before this I was in middle school, now it is called High School *if I'm not mistaken. If I say I wanna quit, they say I'm giving up too easily. I don't quit education, just form 6 bah. They don't understand and they won't. Itu hakikat.
- Punya barat hati mau pi sekolah, kesian. 19 tahun tapi masih pi sekolah, gila punya kerja. Well, baruku faham yg before this I was in middle school, now it is called High School *if I'm not mistaken. If I say I wanna quit, they say I'm giving up too easily. I don't quit education, just form 6 bah. They don't understand and they won't. Itu hakikat.
06/01/16 -
- Well, the PNP started today, I didn't feel very well and I kept falling asleep in class. There's one thing that I think shouldn't be forgotten and needed to be written here, my KMK teacher, aku suka ni cigu, selalu buat orang ketawa and rasa selesa, pandai betul jadi manusia, sometimes I think others need to learn from him.
- Ingatkan sistem merit demerit ni saja yg kena buat, ada lagi...balik jam 2.50 sudah. Okay. That's cool. Even cooler than any school I've attended. I tried to hint my parents about quitting form 6, yet they didn't even close to thinking that. Seriously saya cuma mau berhenti form 6 dan teruskan hidup dirumah tolong parents buat kerja rumah and my other siblings boleh teruskan impian orang tua. Bolehkah begitu?
- I know what they would say if they find out about this, "Don't even think about that, you're the eldest, you have to be a role model to your brothers and sisters, don't you feel pity for your parents who have worked hard to get you to form 6? Don't you want to see them happy?" It sickens me. It sickens me. It sickens me. Why do I need to listen to people who never walked my path? Who never even listened to me? Who never knew my everyday struggle? My inner problem? Who can never ever ever put their feet in my shoes? But that what they would say, don't they?
- Well, the PNP started today, I didn't feel very well and I kept falling asleep in class. There's one thing that I think shouldn't be forgotten and needed to be written here, my KMK teacher, aku suka ni cigu, selalu buat orang ketawa and rasa selesa, pandai betul jadi manusia, sometimes I think others need to learn from him.
- Ingatkan sistem merit demerit ni saja yg kena buat, ada lagi...balik jam 2.50 sudah. Okay. That's cool. Even cooler than any school I've attended. I tried to hint my parents about quitting form 6, yet they didn't even close to thinking that. Seriously saya cuma mau berhenti form 6 dan teruskan hidup dirumah tolong parents buat kerja rumah and my other siblings boleh teruskan impian orang tua. Bolehkah begitu?
- I know what they would say if they find out about this, "Don't even think about that, you're the eldest, you have to be a role model to your brothers and sisters, don't you feel pity for your parents who have worked hard to get you to form 6? Don't you want to see them happy?" It sickens me. It sickens me. It sickens me. Why do I need to listen to people who never walked my path? Who never even listened to me? Who never knew my everyday struggle? My inner problem? Who can never ever ever put their feet in my shoes? But that what they would say, don't they?
07/01/16 - I don't go school, lagipun hari ni ada rentas desa. merit demerit sudah potong 5, 95% lah kan totalnya. Tambah lagi aku ndak hantar kerja kemarin, jadilah 90%, itupun kalau cigu tu kira sekali. I couldn't care less. Sorry not sorry. Why am I forced to do things I don't want? BECAUSE everyone is doing so. Everything that is outside of normality, is a disgrace. You don't get out as a diplo/degree holder, so that automatically puts you in low class or even the lowest hierarchy. Don't deny it. This is fact. Even people like me who is about to give up school see it the same way.
08/01/16 -
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