April 2016

I feel trapped in here. I can't live independently. I don't know what to do, where to go. I become uninterested in life. It doesn't matter how hard I think about things, I'll end up not doing anything at all, much worse, wrong decision or probably it's just me who can't handle things. I was a strong minded person before. Motivated and ambitious, just like everyone. I was able to be positive enough but it doesn't feel like it now. I'm afraid to go out, the crowd scares me. What is wrong with me? I don't want to live like this. My behavior scares me lately, all I can think about is how pathetic I am and how messed my mind is. I thought I could get away from bad thoughts. I can't stop thinking about time. It's getting too late. I haven't done anything productive or achieved anything. I can't sleep well. I had the same dream over and over. Everyone here perceives me as someone independent and alert. I receive this from family, ex high school teachers, teachers and friends from recent school, relatives and ex classmates. I can't do anything out of their expectations. It's burdensome and I can't handle embarrassment. I thought I was too good to seek help. Or I was just scared of their judgement. I'm just too tired to tell people how I feel. I think I'm ridiculous too. Too emotional,whiny and all I know is just complaining..I dislike that actually. Not professional. Low mentality. Weakling. I would probably say that if I weren't me or at least have never been in this mental state. I want help. I want my old self. I want to have future and importantly feel alive again. I can't do this alone. I don't have the courage to tell people how I feel, I speak less nowadays... They wouldn't give a shit tho. They're just curious. I know it. I care about myself. I'm typical like everyone too. I don't belong too depression or instability. I want to escape so bad that everyday I feel like my heart is going to burst. I sometimes feel like God has forgotten about me. Why do I need to go through this while others don't? Everything seems to work out for them. Why it has to be me? God gives the hardest battle to his strongest soldiers. I am not strong.