April 2016
I feel trapped in here. I can't live independently. I don't know what to do, where to go. I become uninterested in life. It doesn't matter how hard I think about things, I'll end up not doing anything at all, much worse, wrong decision or probably it's just me who can't handle things. I was a strong minded person before. Motivated and ambitious, just like everyone. I was able to be positive enough but it doesn't feel like it now. I'm afraid to go out, the crowd scares me. What is wrong with me? I don't want to live like this. My behavior scares me lately, all I can think about is how pathetic I am and how messed my mind is. I thought I could get away from bad thoughts. I can't stop thinking about time. It's getting too late. I haven't done anything productive or achieved anything. I can't sleep well. I had the same dream over and over. Everyone here perceives me as someone independent and alert. I receive this from family, ex high school teachers, teachers and friends from recent school, relatives and ex classmates. I can't do anything out of their expectations. It's burdensome and I can't handle embarrassment. I thought I was too good to seek help. Or I was just scared of their judgement. I'm just too tired to tell people how I feel. I think I'm ridiculous too. Too emotional,whiny and all I know is just complaining..I dislike that actually. Not professional. Low mentality. Weakling. I would probably say that if I weren't me or at least have never been in this mental state. I want help. I want my old self. I want to have future and importantly feel alive again. I can't do this alone. I don't have the courage to tell people how I feel, I speak less nowadays... They wouldn't give a shit tho. They're just curious. I know it. I care about myself. I'm typical like everyone too. I don't belong too depression or instability. I want to escape so bad that everyday I feel like my heart is going to burst. I sometimes feel like God has forgotten about me. Why do I need to go through this while others don't? Everything seems to work out for them. Why it has to be me? God gives the hardest battle to his strongest soldiers. I am not strong.
March 2016
First semester results are already out and surprisingly I got good result than what I thought of. I beat everyone in literature and I got high grade for visual art. I mean I didn't even do it right. I studied like 3 hrs before the test. I didn't even attend class and I escaped extra class a few times. I was bewildered by how such thing could actually happen. Never really crossed my mind that I actually did better. I keep it from my parents, no reason for them to know. I mean, what would they say? They'll probably hurt more and that's like stabbing my own chest hundred times.One of my ex classmates congratulated me for it. I was like "Why the fuck did you say that to me, it's either you're trying to tease me or sincerely compliment me". Either way, I still hate it. When your mind is miserable, the only thing I can see is negativity since nothing positive really happened lately. It's baffling.
And now I'm at home, chilling in bed pretty much all day, watching reality shits to keep me entertain, deactivated social media and being a slob, sleep inadequacy, cold shoulder and feeling trapped. Stuck between inconceivable depths of a dark and dreary hell. I haven't been out for months, probably twice or at least three times in 5 months. Feeling accomplish for small things I do like going out of home to settle my bank account that only got like 50$ in it, which isn't mine but the owner of this house. The fuck do I need an account, I do nothing but laying in bed, scrolling through Instagram just to make myself feeling like an absolute trash looking at others living their happy lives while I'm here like a piece of shit. That's just sad. I can't even stare at myself in the mirror for a minute. I'm such a waste of space.
They say I'm a loser, useless and lazy. Say I give up too easily. I guess that's partially true. I let the depression consumes me. I don't think I make any different staying home too. I'm just becoming more solitude and that's not so healthy. I'm also getting older. I look like a 30 yr old unmarried grumpy lady. Cocooned in this constant swing shift split equally between breaking down and soul sucking depression. I guess that's pretty fucked up.
I admit that I don't think it's a good idea to do so. I should've thought deeper before making up any decisions. I thought doing so would make me happier and everything would be a whole lot lighter. Well, it did. For a good short time. I can't stop asking myself why the fuck the did I do that. Why doing something that makes you feel like you don't belong to this place? I guess the only reason I feel this way is because I can't think of anything other than being in 'there'. I've got plans but I can't channel it anywhere. I don't have money to start, nobody would help me. I know there's no one to blame and I don't want to show how remorseful I am about the decision. I'm trying to shrug that feeling off by looking at the brighter side every time I can..hopefully.
The first paragraph should be at the end but I don't want to end it bitterly. I want a happy ending.
And now I'm at home, chilling in bed pretty much all day, watching reality shits to keep me entertain, deactivated social media and being a slob, sleep inadequacy, cold shoulder and feeling trapped. Stuck between inconceivable depths of a dark and dreary hell. I haven't been out for months, probably twice or at least three times in 5 months. Feeling accomplish for small things I do like going out of home to settle my bank account that only got like 50$ in it, which isn't mine but the owner of this house. The fuck do I need an account, I do nothing but laying in bed, scrolling through Instagram just to make myself feeling like an absolute trash looking at others living their happy lives while I'm here like a piece of shit. That's just sad. I can't even stare at myself in the mirror for a minute. I'm such a waste of space.
They say I'm a loser, useless and lazy. Say I give up too easily. I guess that's partially true. I let the depression consumes me. I don't think I make any different staying home too. I'm just becoming more solitude and that's not so healthy. I'm also getting older. I look like a 30 yr old unmarried grumpy lady. Cocooned in this constant swing shift split equally between breaking down and soul sucking depression. I guess that's pretty fucked up.
I admit that I don't think it's a good idea to do so. I should've thought deeper before making up any decisions. I thought doing so would make me happier and everything would be a whole lot lighter. Well, it did. For a good short time. I can't stop asking myself why the fuck the did I do that. Why doing something that makes you feel like you don't belong to this place? I guess the only reason I feel this way is because I can't think of anything other than being in 'there'. I've got plans but I can't channel it anywhere. I don't have money to start, nobody would help me. I know there's no one to blame and I don't want to show how remorseful I am about the decision. I'm trying to shrug that feeling off by looking at the brighter side every time I can..hopefully.
The first paragraph should be at the end but I don't want to end it bitterly. I want a happy ending.
